What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:08
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why am I so triggered and depressed over a minor thing?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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She loved him until the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
How can couples reverse the buildup of resentment once they notice it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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Who then, do I blame.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
All the time i was locked up.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why is it rare for someone to despise both the Democrats and Republicans?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I don,t even have a pension.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My life is so biszare .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were not on the streets..
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My family never makes their pension either.
So whats the point in blame.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She found it foreign!.
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We all went to grammer schools
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Put me off passion for life!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I said to her
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Especially a lifetime of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He knew the spot.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I will be 64.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I write beautiful poetry .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I have no regrets .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was in good health!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i lived it daily.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!